Torchwood gets a note
From their 1918 selves
Strapped to Hedwig's leg.
Torchwood: To The Last Man
Torchwood. Outside the Empire, beyond the Constabulary, above the Ministry Of Magic. Fighting for mugglekind in spite of its future, and doing a piss-poor job of it. The twentieth century is when the pink on the map changes. And you gotta be Rowling.
I bloody love the Georgian version of Torchwood. With just two members present for a limited amount of screentime, a box-camera time detector that sounds like frying sausages, a Camberwick Green message that could headline a million book covers and a tantalising backstory of imminent disaster (and honestly, you have to ask how many times the organisation can be wiped out before the powers-that-be give it up as a dead loss), Olde Torchwood totally embodies the uplifting infinite horizon at the core of Russell's tenure, as if they just stepped out of the parent show. Somewhere between Harry Potter's magical sense of wonder and the happy-go-lucky, high-adventure incarnation of Alan Moore's LXG. They're even led by Arthur Weasley, for God's sake. It's the grimmest period in European history, but here they cope with all the misery and suffering about them by having their eyes on the bigger picture instead of being self-obsessed or casually, cynically dismissive. And since they even manage to keep Tommy's annual day trips going during the dark years of World War II, it's a wonder the lad didn't manifest into a living symbol of indomitable British pluck.
'Just tell him you're a dyke and get it over with'
But I wish I could have loved the rest of the episode the same way. There's plenty more to applaud. Just look at how good the direction becomes when there are reams of empty white space to play with the camera. Watch how it creates an extra level of unreality through strange angles and perspective tricks, clever positioning of the actors within the tracking, and following up a tight, confining two-shot with a vast, agoraphobic overhead wherein the characters walk from one distant wall all the way to the foreground and out of shot, utilising the whole of the screen, to drive home the point. This isn't a hospital, this is the Civil War prison from Silent Hill 2 (where's Pyramid Head?). It's Andy Goddard properly fulfilling his remit to the viewers that we're in hi-def land, although - very occasionally - the camera movement does bring to mind the swirly 3D gimmickry in Dimensions In Time. Compared to this, Colin Teague on amphetamines is borderline unwatchable.
It's also a pleasure to report that the plot is more tightly structured this week (for once), and the usual gamut of logical flaws is reduced to either nitpicking or mere sloppiness that an extra line here or there would easily fix (but still demands some pointing out, given the effort Helen Raynor makes elsewhere with wonderful explanatory analogies like the screwed up sheet of paper). The blatant exposition whereby Tommy is introduced to us via Gwen, as though it were something new to the team when the plot makes it clear at the same time that it isn't (and Gwen surely must have been there for a year by now) is only mildly annoying, though it begs the question of why we never heard about this earlier, or why nobody came to the obvious if incorrect conclusion that Tommy may have been linked to any of the temporal shenanigans of season one. Still a couple of howlers though; pay close attention to that lingering shot of the calendar in Tosh's flat, because it's the only direct concession the episode gives of the preordained significance of this particular date, and if you miss that fact on first viewing it seems awfully convenient that the time spillage doesn't happen on any of the other 364 days that Tommy is on ice. Yes, it's obvious now that Torchwood knew the correct day and month in advance; but if they've never opened the sealed orders before, then how? The only possible answer is that Tommy told them, as he must have done with their 1918 counterparts during the time slip, though this is never said on screen. There's no other possible point either, as he loses his memory once he gets back into bed. But then, wouldn't he have told them the correct year as well (and presumably did, since the message box only opens on that exact date), in which case; why is there any mystery, and why is his annual wake-up necessary at all?
But here's the big catch. You've already got a fairly good idea that the relationship between Tommy and Tosh isn't likely to be terribly deep or profound (because all plucky British soldiers on telly have to be called Tommy, it's the law). But the chemistry between the two romantic leads isn't just non-existent, it's embarrassingly counter-productive. It's like neither of them has ever done this before and somebody had to thrust a manual into their hands, they're both self-consciously waiting for the other to properly make the first move, and every step afterwards is 'what do we do now'. Put bluntly, he's got all the looks, stiffness and sex appeal of Alan Partridge, while she exhibits so much visible ambivalence in return that I wanted to shout at the telly, "just tell him you're a dyke and get it over with."
It's the episode's deliberate structuring that makes this particularly bad. Unless you've got a really clever script or an interesting journey to relate to us, telling in detail at the start exactly how it's supposed to end is a bad idea. The script knows this, and to its credit, doesn't try to boondoggle us into believing otherwise for at least half an hour - as far as the team is concerned, this is a 'routine' exercise that will only have dire consequences if they get it hopelessly wrong. Which is where Owen's sudden apparent empathy really comes from, because I don't think Owen is in ANY other position to be offering up fuckbuddy advice. "You've only known him four days." Yeah, and you knew Diane a week, and look what YOU did. He's also got the creepiest smile EVARR. But anyway; what I'm saying here in a nutshell is that, effective spookiness aside, it's left to Tosh and Tommy to carry the drama, and they fail. Miserably.
And Christ on a bike, what was Jack thinking, detailing Tommy's doomed future to Tosh's face, and thereby jeopardising the entire mission?
At this point as well, I'm really starting to wonder if the script conferences for season two consisted of a big betting pool to see who could come up with the worst ending. With five minutes to go, the script suddenly realises that it basically blew it at the start and the boring 'will he - won't he' scenes aren't coming off, and hurriedly tries to paper over the cracks with the psychic-projection second ending so erroneous, so ineptly executed and so obviously made up on the spot that you half-expect the Borad to come lumbering by looking for directions to Loch Ness. Believe it or not, Helen Raynor is then proud of this ending from the way she has the cast try and sell it to us through fatuous wooden platitudes about saving the world. Not a hope; they know it's a lemon as well as we do, and I want my money back.
You half-expect the Borad to come lumbering by looking for directions to Loch Ness
By the way, there's still that clunking great Yellow Submarine rift key adrift in a foreign timestream, in case everyone's forgotten. It's not that big a deal, but Steven Moffat's timey-wimey nonsense is always scripted with a logical 'beginning' and 'end' and a root cause to give it all meaning, while Helen Raynor's is left unspecified. It would have been ever so vindicatingly satisfying if it was revealed that 1918 Torchwood playing with their new toy was what caused the time distortions in the first place.
You know, after Sleeper had left me equally unmoved, it began to occur to me that maybe I was taking the series too seriously to allow it to be any fun, or subconsciously divorcing myself from the experience of viewing through any preconceptions of quality. Thankfully, that notion was thrown straight out the window after a rewatch of Random Shoes, which still has the power to send me blubbing like a girl; likewise, the second viewing of To The Last Man proved to be substantially more enjoyable, once I could see past the lack of chemistry and find all the nuances and clever touches it had to offer. But I'm still going to have to give the episode a thumbs-down, as no amount of rewatching is ever going to take away the 'see Spot run' sentences of three sentences or less, the stilted performances or the bollocks song at the end of it.
Coming up: Rhys' haulage firm smuggles factory-farmed alien produce into Cardiff. Health and Safety are busy, so it's left up to Torchwood to pull Rhys' meat. Who are you, and what have you done with Catherine Treganna?
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