Teatime and the Rani

The Sarah Jane Adventures: Day of the Clown, part one.

WHO’S in charge of PR for clowns these days? Whoever it is, they need to seriously re-think their strategy, as they’re currently getting a worse press than John Leslie and the Icelandic banking system combined. I mean, when did you last see a clown being funny - you know, like old Charlie Carolie or... well, people like that – as opposed to creeping us out, like The Joker, or Pennywise, or Papa Lazarou or a hundred other ghost-faced killers.

Day of the Clown started breezily enough with a kick-about in the park on a sunny afternoon. If this was Doctor Who, I thought, this scene would be set at night, but they’re probably trying not to scare the peewees too much. Then the circus freak from Hell appeared screaming down the camera lens, and all bets were suddenly off. (I think it’s fair to assume there’ll be no tie-in Happy Meal for this particular story.)

My fanwank antenna was twitching like a Zarbi at the Rentokill Christmas party

And as if that weren’t scary enough, it turned out the clown was actually Bradley Walsh, Nu-Who’s equivalent of Ken Dodd’s Tollmaster – though, when you think about it, he’s actually pretty decent casting, having more than 20 years experience of not being funny under his belt.

By the time the gang had tracked Walshy down to the Museum of the Circus (and how disappointing is that for a kid? "Roll up, roll up, the Museum of the Circus is coming to town! All the thrills of the Big Top – represented by some pictures and explanatory text) my fanwank antenna was twitching like a Zarbi at the Rentokill Christmas party. But no, there appears to be a strange law of Who continuity that decrees you can waste precious time jabbering about the UNIT dating conundrum, but slipping in a sly poster for the Psychic Circus would have been a stretch too far. Pah.

Away from the circus, the hot news is that new arrival Rani is a total fox. Don’t worry, she’s 18 – I checked (“Well that was what she told Digital Spy, your honour”). The fact she’s Asian will no doubt have some OG posters frothing at the mouth about the show’s United Colours of Benetton casting policy - like Doctor Who hasn’t always tried to promote a positive message about mankind - but that’s their problem, frankly.

And with Rani, of course, we also get the latest entry from The RTD Big Book Of Comedy Mums (Mina Anwar this time, though seemingly voiced by Jane Horrocks) and a dad, played by Ace Bhatti (real name Dorothy Bhatti, natch), who was last seen bareback Billie-riding in Secret Diary of A Call Girl. (And for anyone whose filthy little mind is already leaping ahead to the crossover possibilities, let me add that Billie was recently shown pissing all over Love & Monsters’ Mr Skinner – now that’s what I call slash fiction.)

With a giant PC in her attic called Mr Smith, she’s on dodgy ground criticising anyone for their computer dating habits

Despite Rani inviting Luke into her bedroom and telling him she’s “into weird things”, it’s obvious Bubbleshock Boy is still pining for Maria. Sarah Jane disapproves of him conducting a relationship by email but then, with a giant PC in her attic called Mr Smith, she’s on dodgy ground criticising anyone for their computer dating habits. For her part, Rani’s clearly intrigued by the air of mystery surrounding Luke – the biggest conundrum of all being: Since when did the science geek become the class hero, with his own cheerleader chant and everything? At my school he’d have been lucky go get away without getting his head kicked in.

Clyde, meanwhile, continues to be saddled with all the worst excesses of CBBC dialogue, including this week’s gem: “This place doesn’t just take the biscuit, this place takes the whole Christmas cake.” Huh?

Still, at least he didn’t have the dumbest line of the week – that honour fell to Luke, who asked, “Why would an alien be dressed as a clown?”. Has he never seen any of the sixth Doctor’s stories? (Honk honk, cymbal crash, fall over, etc.)