Time's up

Downtime

So here we have an Earthbound romp, set in an educational facility, with investigative reporter Sarah Jane Smith teaming up with the Brigadier to face an old enemy of the Doctor.

Sadly, this isn't a sneak preview of the new series of The Sarah Jane Adventures. Oh that it was, that it was a story with the wit, charm, energy and excitement that the SJA episodes boast, let alone the mothership.

Instead, this is Downtime. Last of our little spinoff reviews - for the time being, anyway. And with so many former characters, companions, creatures and cameos featuring within its VHS confines, it's a case of saving the guest until last.

Now, the first thing to note about Downtime is that it's a Marc Platt script. Specifically, it's a post-Ghost Light Marc Platt script, which means self-consciously weird and quirky. There's nothing worse than a writer who believes his own hype, and Downtime very much feels like one of those cases.

So we get lots of weird dreamlike sequences set on the astral plane, and layered with references to Cromer and other Doctor Who staples, and a script self-consciously laden with wit. and New Adventures-esque nods to Cyberspace.

It's not a particularly bad script - just one that's both a bit full of itself and full of a desire to please Johnny Fanboy.

It’s got quite a tight plot, actually, which makes the Great Intelligence seem, well, intelligent. Imagine this realised with a Sarah Jane Adventures budget, or even better a new series budget, where the soldiers and the Yeti and the cameras filming the action hadn’t apparently been found down the back of a store cupboard in Blackpool, and this could almost appear watchable.

No, the deficiencies are in other areas. Although not, for once, in special effects. In fact, this is one area where Downtime is surprisingly effective. A bit of proto-CGI here, silly string there and the Honey Monster after a bad Britney dye-job elsewhere, and they just about pull it off. It’s amazing what a bit of string and a metal ball can do when tied to an old Betamax camera, isn’t it?

Sadly, as seems to be an ever familiar echoing cry in these mini-reviews, it’s the performances where it all falls down. Which may not come as a surprise when you consider who it stars.

Ah, Lis. Maybe it's the quality of the new series writing and directing, maybe it's just Lis finding something new in the role these days. But this is very much from the time when La Sladen's acting range could generously be described as 'limited'. She's not quite K9 and Company bad here, but she's certainly Big Finish Sarah Jane bad. Meanwhile Nick Courtney gives his customary 'nice' performance. As in, he's a nice guy I'm sure, but he's a bloody awful actor.

A fusion of Mark Thomas and Timmy Mallett

But incredibly, neither of these pair provide the episode's nadir. Nor does John Leeson, playing a DJ-cum-undercover activist who seems to be a fusion of Mark Thomas and Timmy Mallett - an idea which really is as bad as that sounds. And nor do the rookie actors and can't-get-work-anywhere-elses that pad out the cast - yes, Geoffrey Beevers, I'm unfortunately forced to look at you.

No, the real splinters of barrel underside come courtesy of Debbie Watling. You thought she was bad in that missing episodes documentary a few years back (and thoughtfully brought back to public awareness by the Lost in Time DVD)? Trust me, you've really seen nothing yet. That's Dame Judi Dench picking up another Oscar levels of acting compared to her turn in Downtime.

Most performers' talents seem to mature the older they get. Watling's skills have instead gone off, covered in an inch of mold like rotten old cheese. Truly, this is a contender for the worst Doctor Who-related performance of all time. It's not even fun to watch. This isn't so bad it's funny. It's just bad. There's enough bad performances in here to get laughed out of a third division am-dram festival.

And that's where, ultimately, Downtime falls down. Indeed, where all the spin-off fan videos fall down. Where all the spin-offs fall down, in fact. It seems notable that the less a show has to do with Doctor Who, the better the performances. Downtime and Shakedown are the best examples of this, or worst, depending on which side your Denis Norden is buttered.

Downtime is a video that only a Doctor Who fan could love. It has no appeal, no mainstream identity. It's sole reason for existing is to pander to a fanbase which even to this day looks back on the era between Sylvester McCoy and the Scouse Ray Parlour lookalike as some kind of golden age, when fans took back their show via spin-off films, via books and whatever other medium they could employ.

But it's not.

If anything, Downtime shows the worst excesses of that era - a desperation to pander to an audience so starved of new Doctor Who that anything with even the faintest whiff of diamond logo or tie-in will be snapped up. So we have a script which, while solid and with the occasional flourish, is also choc full of characters and continuity, and a casting process that brings together anyone with a vague connection of the show, regardless of their genuine worth or ability.

Now when the new series brings back Lis Sladen it's to show the legacy of the Doctor's travels and to provide a bridgehead between the young audience and their parents. With Downtime, they bring her back because, well, she's Lis. And she's available.

Perhaps we’re spoiled nowadays, but when the only thing we can moan about is the fact that Torchwood’s a bit rubbish and has a semi-naked Cyberwoman, then maybe these are actually blessed times after all.