Shaker maker

Shakedown: Return of the Sontarans

Having recently moved house, I’ve found myself surrounded by boxes and boxes of junk. Tonnes of the stuff. Things I’d forgotten I even had. Old ECW compilation tapes. Fan videos. And some of the ephemera that attempted to fill the gap during the Who-less years between Survival and Rose (Grace: 1999 excepted).

So while we’re waiting patiently for new Doctor Who spin-offs to distract us before Christmas, I thought I’d break the old VHS player out of cold storage and have a look back at three of the more famous pieces of straight-to-video cash-ins.

It seemed only appropriate to kick off with this, the Sontarans' big day out, since we’ve had the return of Mike the Cool Potato Head and his band of midget King Edward troopers this year - and will apparently be seeing them again soon during The Sarah Jane Adventures.

Shakedown (annoyingly, I keep wanting to type Smackdown...) takes it’s inspiration from... well, from just about everything. Terrance Dicks’ script is laden with references to just about every one of his Doctor Who scripts, while the casting is obviously aimed at jaded old Who and B7 fanboys. Even the music comes second hand, with Mark Ayres’ soundtrack not so much referencing James Horner’s score for Aliens as looking round and making off with the sheet music when nobody’s looking.

Ironically, given how much of this is just reusing old ideas, actors, lines and references, Shakedown itself would go on to be recycled as a New Adventure, bookending the action from the film with the adventures of the Doctor and co, making this perhaps the most eco-friendly Doctor Who ever. Or certainly the one that will leave you feeling greenest.

Not so much referencing James Horner’s score for Aliens as making off with the sheet music when nobody’s looking

Plotwise, it’s part Alien, part Horror of Fang Rock, on board HMS Belfast. Or rather, HMS Belfast standing in for the solar sailing yacht Tiger Moth, which a motley crew of rich layabouts have chartered to take part in an race. However, the Sontarans - who are now big puffa jacket wearing hoolies with a face probably influenced by Babylon 5, but more likely carved from plywood, board them in pursuit of a Rutan hiding aboard. With hilarious consequences.

Now, given the low-budget nature of the story - filmed by the late, unlamented Dreamwatch magazine to coincide with their mid-90s rebranding from DWB - it’d be churlish of me to pick on the special effects. And, indeed, harsh, since by cheapo TV movie standards they’re actually fairly decent. The odd bit of pyro here, a nice bit of CG there, and in a nice homage to Blake’s 7, a badly CSO’ed spaceship elsewhere.

But it’s the acting where Shakedown falls down.

Michael Wisher is attempting eight different accents simultaneously, none of them American

The central trio at the heart of the story - Jan Chappell, Brian Croucher and Toby Aspin - are actually pretty decent. Chappell’s playing to type as tough but vulnerable space female Lisa Deranne, while Croucher’s clearly having a whale of a time getting ready for his role as Tiff’nee’s dad on the ‘Enders as slightly dodgy businessman Kurt. And Toby Aspen as Steg is eminently watchable too, coping with the varnished plywood mask and hackneyed dialogue to turn Steg into an almost Worf-esque warrior.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said of the rest of the cast. Carole Ann Ford appears to be in a different production to everyone else - a school panto version of Eldorado, apparently - while Michael Wisher's as Robar (which forever makes me think of Roobarb, to the point I expect to hear the theme whenever he’s on screen) is attempting eight different accents simultaneously, none of them American.

Meanwhile Tom Finnis is playing Sontaran Lieutenant Vorn as Harry from Nebulous about 12 years too early. I keep expecting him to turn round and tell us that, unlike the viewer, he no longer has the luxury of eyes/legs/lips/a brain (*del as applicable).

And then there’s Sophie Aldred. Ah, the lovely Sophie. Don’t get me wrong, I think she was actually tremendous as Ace, where her genuine friendship with Sylvester McCoy and a script editor who cared about the character let them give her more depth than most of her predecessors. Given that Ace followed from Mel, a character with the depth of a damp teaspoon, anything would have been an improvement.

But here... whether it’s Uncle Tewance’s scwipt, Kevin Davies’ direction, or it’s just Sophie’s choice, something’s gone catastrophically wrong. It’s fair to describe her performance as spirited or energetic. Just watch the scene where her limp lettuce boyfriend gets shot by Steg. From hysterical screaming to passing out under the influence of a tranquilliser, it’s behind the sofa stuff - and not in a good way.

Anyone want to lay bets on Freema, Billie, Julian Bleach and Dougie Henshall for Shakedown 2030?

What Shakedown exposes more than anything else is that, removed from their comfort zone, a lot of these people just aren’t very good. That’s not intended as a slight, or an insult. It’s just fact. How many companions from Doctor Who went on to have successful acting careers after their time on the show? Louise Jameson, Frazer Hines, Bonnie Langford and... well, that’s about it really. How times have changed - anyone want to lay bets on Freema, Billie, Julian Bleach and Dougie Henshall coming together for Shakedown 2030? Thought not.

Shakedown’s a curious beast, at heart. It desperately wants to wear it Doctor Who credentials on it’s sleeve, but as with BBV’s audios it goes to astonishingly clunky textual lengths to avoid actually doing so. It wants to be gritty and real, but still plays to the parental basement audience, pulling lines like ‘promises to inferior species have no validity’ like they’re supposed to be cheered at, rather than cringed at. It wants to be fresh and modern, with its Virtual Reality sequence and its modern, redesigned Sontarans, but moves with a glacial pace. Seriously - even Tezza’s New Adventure ‘novelisation’ moves quicker than this.

Even leaving aside the effects, Time has not been kind to Shakedown. I'd love to say that nostalgia overcomes its weaknesses, but the truth is these weaknesses don't relate so much from fan origins as fan wish fulfilment. It attempts to be everything a British cult telly fan would want in 1994, but ends up being something nobody would want. Not so much back of the neck, more back in the box