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July 09, 2008

The Doctor Who Technical Manual

Selected extracts from Advanced Learners’ Edition, now featuring

Doctor Who: Journey’s End

TechmanBiomatching Receptacle: Talk to the handy plot device.

Reality Bomb: The ultimate demonstration of Einstein’s E=MC2, in which matter, in the form of Gita from EastEnders, is dispersed to atoms, and then nothing at all (pretty standard post-Albert Square career trajectory, in fact). Thus all matter in every universe ceases to exist, except for the Daleks, who are hiding next door, or something. Also the TV industry term for Castaway, coincidentally.

Project Indigo: Top secret teleportation device developed from scavenged Sontaran technology (full name: Project Indigo Here And Outdicome Here.) Classified status only slightly compromised by Martha Jones’current Facebook status: “Martha is… Medical Director of Project Indigo!”

Dimension Jumper: Device that allows the wearer to cross the vortex between realities. Made by Fisher Price.

Dimension Cannon: Device that allows Rose Tyler to cross between parallel worlds. A bit like a Dimension Jumper, but much bigger, and requiring a crash helmet and someone to light the fuse. (NB: Not to be confused with Dimension Canon, a tedious argument about whether the Third Doctor really did meet Kathy Beale.)

Instantaneous Biological Metacrisis: Device that allows David Tennant to charge a double fee.

Timehoolahoop_2 Temporal Prison: A Chronon Loop. That’s that cleared up, then.

Zed Neutrino Energy: The core of The Crucible. Also early 90s rave band (Z-Nu-trino NR-G, obviously).

Dalek Waste Disposal: “How many times have I told you? Dead Time Agents go in the green bin.”

Extrapalator Shielding: TARDIS security system, built using an intergalactic surfboard disguised as a model of a Welsh power station. True story.

TARDIS Base Code Numerals: If you lose these, you’ll never get the stereo to work again.

Magnatron: Alien tech cannibalised from fairground dodgems and old issues of TV21.

OsterhagenOsterhagen Key: Big bomb.

Warp Star: A warp-fold conjugation trapped in a carbonised shell. Really big bomb.

Planetary Alignment Field: With thanks to the show’s new scientific adviser, Russell Grant.

Time Lock: Developed by Tosh, appropriately enough.

Dalekanium Power Fields: With built-in reverse gear. Phew!

Spatial Genetic Bioduplicity: Tennant squees his pants after recognising actress from Series One box set.

TARDIS Tow-rope: “If you break down after being dragged across time and space in order to build a Reality Bomb, please stay with your planet and await the emergency services – in this case, eight insufferably smug bastards in a phone box. Welsh male voice choir accompaniment optional.”

Biometric Damping Field with Retrograde Arse Inversion: Well that’s what it sounded like.

Zednuwotsit_3Barrowman Damping Field with Performance Containment Inversion: Hey, we can dream.

Dimensional Retroclosure: Imagine the size of the prop Jon Pertwee would have needed to write down all the technojism in this script…

Zed Neutrino Biological Inversion Stabiliser: Oh you’re just taking the piss now.

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