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June 28, 2008

Decisions... Decisions... Decisions...

What is it about the career path of Doctor Who assistants after they leave that draws them, like a particularly randy moth to a largely perverted flame, to roles and appearances that are so removed from their previous personas? Carole Ann Ford's first gig after leaving the show was to star as a prostitute in an episode of Private Eye. Katy Manning suffered from an horrific wardrobe malfunction with a Dalek. Billie Piper's exit strategy featured the salacious sexploits of a call girl - a vehicle for Piper's singular talent that reached the parts of teenage boys that had Torchwood looking on with envious eyes.

Catherine Tate's agent is, even now, on the look out for casting calls for the television movie event Unrequited Lust - The Nora Batty Story.

Doctor Who: Turn Left

The peoples of the world are confused. First the island of Japan burned and the sushi was ruined. Then it was raw fish all round. First someone purporting to be a door-to-door Target novelisation reading service for the blind travelled the world. Then she didn't. First Billie Piper could annunciate properly. Then she couldn't. First the bees started to disappear, then came the turn of natures other greatest pollinators, the orthodontists...

Repatriated back to the estate of Dick Emery.

Rose Once upon a time there were two shows I needed to watch with subtitles on: Rab C Nesbitt and The Wire. There is now a third, Doctor Who. What the hell was going on with Rose's teeth? She appeared to be constantly engaged in a titanic tussle with her gnashers as they made a bid for freedom. What has she had done to them? Has she had them straightened? Stretched? Whittled? Inflated? Coated? De-coated? Grouted? Gouged? Electroplated? Drained? Buffed? Waxed? Painted? Annexed?

Or was she living in mortal fear of having them repatriated back to the estate of Dick Emery?

Time sucking beetles are one thing, but the most far fetched part of the entire tale was the fact that Rose managed to enunciate those two words clearly enough for Donna to not only remember them but then repeat them to the Doctor. The script could have taken it's own left turn at that point:

"But she told me... to warn you. She said... two words"
"What two words? What were they? What did she say?"
"Bath Rolf"

Even the Imperial Leather's not going to get us out of this one.

Bathrolf The welcome return of Bath Rolf. Personal hygiene challenged Australian around entertainers, galloping across the cosmos, threatening the very fabric of reality with their deadly body odour. Even the Imperial Leather's not going to get us out of this one...

There is very little else to say about Turn Left that hasn't already been said, aside from the vast wafts of Crime Traveller I was getting from the jerry-rigged time machine cum changing room that the TARDIS had been turned into. Even Donna's clunky timepiece reminded me of the one Holly Turner and Jeff Slade had to strap on before leaving the confines of their time machine.

And following on from her time in Secret Diary Of A..., Piper's probably more accustomed to the world of strap ons now. Let's just hope Tate learns from the lessons of history and doesn't make the same choices that so many before her have...

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