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May 09, 2008

Noble Gases

Regular viewers will be all too familiar with the suggestion that ten years from now we'd witness a season climax in which a Myrka bitch-slapped some Sensorites. Let me expand upon that slightly. We'd get the Myrka/Sensorites slap-off, with the unfolding horror being presented to the gelatinous pasty-faced populace via some faked rolling news coverage. Of course by then, the only person left in the BBC News organisation who hadn't fronted news footage for Doctor Who, would probably be someone from Look East who was usually to be found reporting on outbreaks of sheep dysentery in remote pockets of Norfolk rather than trying to force feed gravitas into footage of men in latex slapping each other's protuberances.

Doctor Who: The Poison Sky

KirstywarkAnd so it falls to Kirsty Wark to inject some verisimilitude into the proceedings. Verisimilitude. I hope that's the right word, I don't want a greasy-headed micro boffin taking me to task on my words and that. That would be too much to take. So, leaving absolutely no pudding over-egged, Kirsty wades into the news report with her headline sleeves rolled right up ready to go elbow deep in search of fact. I say verisimilitude, but she's fronting rolling news, something (as far as I'm aware) she has never done, for a channel which changed its name some weeks ago. If the Who team were attempting to inject a little more controversy into the realm of UNIT dating then mission accomplished. Sir!

Stumbled headlong into Boris Johnson's bed chamber at 3 in the morning.

But, as ever, that's not the main issue. By rights I should be a tad more concerned by what appears to be the sole North American news anchor who seems to have been on continual duty since 2005. Without a break for so much as a plate of biscuits and gravy (don't panic people, it's not what you think). The BBC, at least, has it's own rolling news channel that it can use as a visual crutch for the viewer who, in a world of reality tele, might not be able to cope with the concept of drama. You've really got to pity ITV (up to their post-watershed knackers in another public voting furore) as they struggle manfully through a pile of utter tripe like Flood with only a lashed up, generic, rolling news service that looks so amateurish a three year old with a vague grasp of Flash and beans down its front could have produced better. No, we've got the BBC News Channel and we know how to use it. So, Mr Public Service Broadcaster, why didn't you use your power and serve the public. You could have packaged up all the BBC newsy bits from the past 4 years of Doctor Who into a montage, stumbled headlong into Boris Johnson's bed chamber at 3 in the morning, woken the slumbering fool and told him that these events were happening... right this minute. In London. Now! That would have ensured a quick exit from the mayoral race and prevented the regular sight of silly hair across our screens for the next four long years.

Shaven UNIT stunners.

SideboardsBut until he really gets going, probably once nanny's starched his pens and dressed him as Little Lord Fauntleroy, we'll have to do with fixating over the Doctor's silly hair. It might be because of his close proximity to the military regulation short back and sides, clean shaven UNIT stunners, but I was continually marvelling at his sideboards. Not since 70's Porn Colin have I seen that much hair business going on on one Doctor's face. Is there really any need for that? At least we know why Captain Jack never saw himself in UNIT - he wouldn't have been able to stomach the regulation hair cuts. That and you just know he would have tried to blow dry his own hair using the down-draft from the Valiant's engines.

Should have gone to Ant and/or Dec in the first place.

AntanddecBut once you're past the ebullient nature of the Time Lord's cheek fuzz, pause for a moment at the bit when he finally gives Donna a key. Where does he get this endless supply of TARDIS keys from? Has he got a trans-dimensional branch of Timpsons shut away in one of his captious jacket pockets - doing now but churning out a constant supply of the buggers and replacing the heals on his platform shoes?

And did he really mean to give Catherine Tate the key? Some years down the line are we going to have an investigation led by Pixley and a team of crack auditors that reveal she shouldn't have gotten the key at all and it should have gone to Ant and/or Dec? Will they also reveal that Big Ron should have beaten Mandy to help out the Doctor on his non-canonical visit to Walford? Suppose anything's possible... including the fact that we can still convince Mayor BoJo that all these alien threats to London are real.

Quick everyone, strap yourself into the latex and follow me. Last one to City Hall is a Myrka's arse.


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