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April 18, 2008

Non Sequitur

Alan Partridge once said, "You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in Currys." whilst enquiring whether they stocked supplementary auxiliary speakers to go with his midi hifi system apropos achieving surround sound. Thank the gods of white goods merchants that I've managed to keep that particular employment Fosse Way open thanks to being one of the last state educated pupils to come out of a north east comprehensive schooled in Latin.

Latin that was taught to me by the cousin of Manimal himself...

Doctor Who: The Fires of Pompeii

No, seriously. Of the many meaningless and inconsequential ramblings I've hammered out on this keyboard in the name of the franchise gods, that fact happens to be totally and utterly true. Of course, he couldn't turn himself into anything other than a Latin teacher who looked a little like a cross between a startled hare and a very bad Morrissey impersonator who'd just stubbed his toe on an ornate urinal. Although he did posses the power to change the declension of words through the simple addition of m, s, t, mus, tis or nt.

Pyrovile Transmogrification posed no such problems for the Pyroviles. All they needed was to have people inhale specks of grit, leave to gestate and hey presto, instant race generation. A lot has been made about possible overarching themes of this series. In addition to planetary disappearance (first the Adipose home world then the heavens of Pyrovillia), more mentions of the Time War and Gallifrey and these ATMOS devices I've got the beginnings of a third theme. This is the second time we've heard about seeding - first the Matron was accused of illegally seeding a level 5 planet and now we have the Pyroviles seeding themselves into human bodies.

The key to the resurrection of Gallifrey, its labyrinthine and tedious committee structures and garden centre decor.

Could it be that the Doctor didn't actually destroy Gallifrey but - to hide the planet (and cover his tracks) - rewrote it into a series of innocuous elements, lets say billions of watercress seeds - which when brought back together, or "planted" in a certain way, spelt out the name "Titchmarsh" - a fabled god from the mid-afternoon times who holds the key to the resurrection of Gallifrey, its labyrinthine and tedious committee structures and garden centre decor. And it is this Tichmarsh (who actually turns out to be the warty thing on Donna's chin) who manages to restore all things to their rightful place in the heavens before hammering out another Bad Sex award winning opus. It could happen.

Placing that newspaper advert that brought together the Spice Girls.

Bosseyed The Doctor, by now, must be worried that he has played a part in every single catastrophe to befall the planet: making Vesuvius blow its top; the great fire of London; placing that newspaper advert that brought together the Spice Girls - he gone and done them all. The next time he lands in close proximity to a well documented historical event he should just stand there and start figuring out how he might end up being the cause of what's about to happen - the future equivalent of a drunk attempting to work out the next morning what had occurred the previous night by assessing the devastation around him. Because his footprints are all over our history like fingerprints in an episode of CSI.

Ghant charting abilities of the gods.

And exactly how many alien species have been on Earth for millennia? The planet formed around the Racnoss; the Silurians have been around for eons; Scaroth's ship exploded fusing amino acids to form life - to name but a few, and now the Pyroviles. The young Earth must have been heaving under the weight of all these creatures. Scheduling their attempts to take over Earth at various future points must have taken a project manager with kahunas of steel and Ghant charting abilities of the gods themselves. Still, the giant spider's plan would have given every one round the table a titter.

Of course the Doctor, in all his shouty historical indignation, completely failed to mention that he'd taken another girl to see Pompeii on volcano day. Somewhere, on the other side of town, was a moping seventh Doctor, an agitated Melanie Bush and an about to be TARDIS shaped indentation in the lava.

It has to have happened... I heard it happen... Although it wasn't in surround sound.


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