You Dancing?

Torchwood:  Something Borrowed

Ooh hang on a minute! Apparently that Welsh Wizard of the Self-fulfilling Prophecy, Lord Davies of Splot has declared that the "ming-mongs" won't like Something Borrowed. I don't want to start a debate on the term "ming-mongs" by the way - wiser heads than me have revealed it's OK to use "mong" nowadays as long as a) it's prefixed with another word, and/or b) you have the precedent of its use in a Victoria Wood sketch from 1987.  So I wish all those Who fan retards would just stop moaning about it.  What is the matter with these spastics?  Anyway, pigeon-holing your critics in advance has always been a great tactic, and Davies has it down to a fine art.  As far back as I can remember he's always tried to defend anything in his shows that is vaguely unusual, tonally odd, or just plain crap by issuing the standard jibe "the fans won't like it".  Or "it'll wind up the fans".  Therefore, if you don't like it, then that's only because you are a "fan" or suitable euphemistic mot du jour.  It's been instructive to see how often this tactic has driven those old Who fans who think they are too cool for school in a rush to embrace stuff so that they can escape being tarred with the ming-mong brush. 

It works well.  This blog went into a kind of meltdown seconds after Something Borrowed was transmitted.  It's fair to say that the episode wasn't received favourably.  But even though the blog has been very even-handed in its response to Torchwood this year, you can easily imagine someone reading the reviews and comments and nodding sagely while stroking his/her chin "Yes.  Look at them.  They're a bunch of ming-mongs."  Of course, the net result of this name-checking is to give far more prominence to "online fandom" than it would otherwise have received or deserved while also making Davies resemble a man who thinks he's in a Pynchon novel and surrounded by dark conspiracies.  All hail to the man for keeping his distance from the fans and not popping up on forums to chat about his latest plans - creative people shouldn't be in thrall to specialist groups.  But this also includes not going on about them all the time.

ming-mongitude

So I was hoping that Something Borrowed would live down to my expectations and I could embrace my ming-mongness.  Or ming-mongitude.  But I sort of liked it.  Anyone with eyes in their head already knows that Torchwood has problems with consistency of tone, so I can't get too worked up about the sudden lurch from existential angst to broad farce.  I mean we get a lurch from the melancholy "Why me, oh I am so sad" episodes to "Run! Fuck! Scream! Kill! Monster!" episodes much of the time anyway so it's a welcome change to have the opportunity for a few belly laughs. There were admittedly an even greater than average number of stupid things in this episode as everyone else has pointed out.  I'm normally desperate for any excuse to leave a wedding reception, even the final of the World Indoor Bowls Tournament would cause me to make my excuses and leave.  But ball-gnawing, shape-shifting zombies?  I know some people like having a bop to Hi Ho Silver Lining but it was stretching credulity to think that everyone would hang around for that in the face of monsters.  Although the bridesmaids looked easy so maybe that was it.  And Gwen's mad desire to go through with the wedding might as well have cut straight to a flashing neon sign reading "Everyone gets retconned" for the next 40 minutes.  But despite all this the episode had something going for it.

Neil put his finger on it when he commented that there are anthology series with more continuity than Torchwood.  Something Borrowed would have made an excellent, quirky episode in one of those themed drama series that used to show up in the 1970s.  The series would have been called Conjugal Frights, featuring a different writer each week with his/her own supernatural take on the "happiest day of our lives".  Imagine how much better this episode would have been if you'd never seen another episode of Torchwood before!  Gwen, as a bride who is trying to maintain normality by getting married and balancing all the weird shit in her life against her family.  Not a dozy mare who had an ill-advised fling with rat boy before spending every episode fucking things up and putting lives in danger.  Instead of Captain Jack being a hideous weight around the programme's neck and a wooden clot, we'd see him as an hilariously dressed prancing fool who dazzles us with his brief cameo as the campest monster ever.  Just for once rather than be a tedious wanker, Owen would be a tedious wanker we'd not seen before.

Sadly though I can't expunge my memories of previous episodes.  But Nerys Hughes helps!  I'll confess that for about six months when I was seven or eight I had a bit of a thing for Sandra in The Liver Birds. Looking back at the very early episodes shown endlessly on satellite channels I can see that I had good taste.  So my early fondness for Nerys was first strengthened by her appearance in Kinda, weakened by The District Nurse, and obliterated by discovering the joys of Half Man Half Biscuit at university.  But her use in this episode brought all that affection back, and the Evil Dead version of Nerys was a masterstroke.  The mistaken identity scene “But if that's Rhys's mum, then who's that outside?” was genuinely funny, as was Rhys's confrontation with her in the stable.  It was amusing to see Nerys on Torchwood Declassified saying solemnly that as an actor you shouldn't send these roles up, especially as her "Come to mamma!" made Jacobi's "I...am...the...MAAASSSTTEEEERRRR!" look thoughtfully understated.  I had such a glow from Nerys that I managed to overlook the presence of Colette Brown, an actor who used to irritate the hell out of me by being whiny in great shows like Our Friends in the North and Ultraviolet.

A Welsh version of The Invaders, but without the stiff little fingers

Of course from then on it was downhill with evil Nerys being blasted by a poor quip from Captain Jack before a bad case of retconning ironically reminded me of all the things that annoy me about Torchwood.  But on the whole this was an object lesson in how to salvage the show.  Play up the incongruous humour, and feature more normal people reacting to crazy events before Torchwood arrive in force.  In fact, just slim down the Torchwood team to Gwen and A.N.Other and ditch Jack.  Each episode should concentrate on weird things happening to normal people before the mini-Torchwood team ride in to the rescue. And no retconning.  A Welsh version of The Invaders, but without the stiff little fingers.  I can see that knocking University Challenge off its perch for good.  Most weeks.  Up yours Paxman!

crank up the Roneo duplicator

Mind you, I see that according to Russ in the latest SFX, in a few years time we'll look back on this internet stuff and laugh "It's a form of communication that was never meant to happen".  So I'm going into training for 2020 when I'll be shouting at Damon and Neil to crank up the Roneo duplicator as we rush to send out our daily blog updates by post.  And it'll cost a fortune to deliver podcasts via a national network of town criers so we better have another appeal.  But at least the ming-mongs will still be there.