Liver and Onions

Nerys Hughes swaps a
Big pink rubber snake for a
More edible one.

Torchwood: Something Borrowed

Excerpts from The Torchwood Agent's Survival Guide, Section 3487d: Alien Parthenogenesis

1. When out in the field hunting aliens in secret, be sure to wave your gun around everywhere you go. Nobody will ever pay attention.

2. Alien ova are transmitted via a bite on the wrist. They will then travel through the bloodstream to your uterus. This happens because they're alien.

3. The laws of conservation of mass and energy do not apply to shapeshifters. This happens because they're alien.

4. All aliens are in the employ of witches, specifically Flanella from Chorlton and the Wheelies, Grotbags from Emu's Pink Windmill, and her out of Harry Potter who likes to ban fun.

5. In the event of co-worker impregnation, holding them down and applying an anaesthetic should never ever be considered.

6. Should you yourself undergo alien infestation, be advised that pregnancy will turn your entire family by proxy into drooling vegetables. On no account let any reasoned argument postpone your wedding day; whatever your boyfriend has gone through in the past will be worse than how you going down the aisle having swallowed a basketball is going to make him look, or the sudden disappearance of said basketball the next day. If feeling particularly altruistic, place the guests in as much needless danger as humanly possible; this is supposed to be a day they'll never forget (see section 16).

7. The host pregantee acting as bait to draw out the alien intent on ripping her open should be left unguarded at all times.

8. Making the fruitiest male member of the team choose your wedding dress is mandatory and never gets old. For best results, find one that makes the bride look fat in it even after the egg is removed.

9. All call signs and code words should be disguised as Welsh innuendo.

10. Never tell your underlings what anyone else is doing without ample scope for comic misunderstanding.

11. The penis is the most edible part of the human body. (NB: pregnant persons may wish to skip this section.)

12. In the event of a brutal murder, on no account call the authorities or inform the hotel staff; their valuable time will be far too occupied with menial daily duties to be present.

13. Should you encounter anyone who appeared in the old series of Doctor Who, shoot them first at once (CF: every other section of the book).

14. If the handgun with a fifty-shot clip is already taken, bring along a Nintendo Superscope for backup.

15. Sensitive medical equipment does not need to be operated by trained medical personnel. This is helpful to know if your medical officer is a c**t.

16. If against the odds the big day turns out a success after all, remove the memories of the event from all the staff and guests, thus annulling the marriage because nobody present can verify it, so you can do it all over again.

17. You are not Ronnie Corbett, and No Sex Please, We're British is less funny now than when critics panned it in 1971.

18. Employing the same plot devices over and over again does not constitute a story arc.

19. When hiring Gary Russell as script editor, be sure to set aside enough money to keep him on for just two episodes before handing back to one of your trained monkeys.

20. In the event of a comission falling into the hands of the man who made New Captain Scarlet borderline ADHD-unwatchable, declare a state of emergency and break the glass canister containing a back issue of Viz. Distract him by cutting all the panels out and letting him rearrange them in any order. As an additional damage-limitation exercise, use this as your script.