Killed By Death

Torchwood: Dead Man Walking

Sigh.

Of course I knew he wasn't really dead. I've been a geek for far too long to have expected anything else. Even before the bizarre autopsy (call it a hunch but I reckon that the cause of Owen's death might have been a bullet flying through his chest, but what do I know, you'd better just slice him open with a saw!) I knew it was all a big fat lie. Owen was clearly only dead in the sci-fi sense of the word; just ask Spock, Sheridan, and Starbuck. How utterly predictable and depressing. My only hope was that Torchwood would take this hoary old chestnut and do something original and interesting with it.

Oh sod that. Just stick an episode of Buffy on instead.

Frustratingly, Dead Man Walking flirts with greatness before it pisses it up the wall. I loved the idea of Jack bringing Owen back so he could get the code to a filing cabinet (however, you have to wonder about Torchwood's security protocols at this point), and I honestly thought they were going to drag Owen back for an utterly perverse last-gasp good-bye. Maybe Burn Gorman and RTD weren't lying through their teeth during Torchwood Declassified. Maybe the episode title was designed to throw us off the scent. Maybe this would be the twist to end all twists. Now that would have been inspired.

What we actually got was a perfunctory, vague, plot-hole ridden Spooky Do. Or as they so eloquently put it on the Doctor Who Forum: "6/5!!!"

Owen was clearly only dead in the sci-fi sense of the word; just ask Spock, Sheridan, and Starbuck...

Forget alternative dimensions, Death looked like he'd shuffled in from a completely different programme. One of those Supernatural/Charmed/Ghost Whisperer/Fit Chick With Magical Powers type programmes that are still riding the tails of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ah, Buffy. Her shadow looms ever larger over this season; from the Church of the Evil Weevils to the tarot card bollocks and a girl called Faith, this episode felt like a trip back to the 1990s.  However, when Buffy dealt with the ramifications of someone dying and coming back "wrong" they did it as a musical number. And it still displayed more gravitas and profundity that this throwaway fluff.

The spiritual mumbo-jumbo, especially the 13-souls guff, felt like the kind of plot you'd find in one of those straight-to-DVD Zed-movies that Kim Newman always ends up reviewing in Empire magazine. And is anyone holding out for Matt Jones' next contribution to the franchise, where someone Sarah Jane vaguely knows will end up wearing black contact lenses and spouting gibberish about the boogeyman or Death's second cousin twice removed. The kids will defeat him with their innocent ickle faith, and there will probably be a wizard in it. What ever happened to this franchise's mandate of debunking superstitious magic with science and rational thought?

Two teenagers at a school youth club fighting over a packet of crisps...

I was laughing my head off when Owen had his little dance with Death. What should have been an epic, moving and terrifying confrontation looked like two teenagers at a school youth club fighting over a packet of crisps.

BUT at least it meant that Owen was really going to die this time. All that was missing was Jack yelling 'Owen! Nooooooo!!!!" in slow motion as he banged on the glass. Oh yes! Owen's sorry life would finally be given meaning and his noble self-sacrifice would imbue his character with some much needed dignity. It may have been the longest and most hamfisted death scene in history but at least we'd get to see Owen croak it twice in a fortnight. I was willing to forgive just about anything at that point.

I've got to give it to Torchwood. They really had me going this time. I didn't expect for one second that the show would just COP OUT AGAIN! It now looks like we are doomed to endure Owen Harper: the Series (especially if next week's trailer is anything to go by) and, just like John, I'm pretty much Owen-ed out. I have been since Day One. The vagueness at the end was almost insulting. Martha - who is rumoured to have been in this episode - tells Owen that he could "live" for another 30 minutes or another 30 years. Just like everyone else, then. At least Sheridan had a 'best before' date stamped on his forehead.

And what's up with all the THIS IS IT!!! music all of a sudden? I remember the days when those aching strings actually meant something profound and important was going to happen. I dunno, something like one of our heroes dying. They may as well bang out that track on when Ianto's making a cup of coffee for all the good it'll do now.

I don't know. There might be a great story waiting to be told about the consequences of Owen being brought back from death's door but this derivative drivel certainly wasn't it. But don't worry, they can always have another go next week...